Part 13 of 19 in How to Coach Your Child: A Handbook for Indian Parents← Part 12Part 14 →
I’ve been reflecting on a conversation I had with a young founder, a bright engineer from Bangalore, who had just wrapped up his first product demo. His team was buzzing with excitement, and I could see the palpable sense of pride in his eyes. As we sat down with a cup of chai, he asked me what I thought. “You’ve built something quite impressive,” I said. But then, I paused to consider my words carefully.
The way we offer praise, whether in business or in life, has far-reaching consequences. In India, our praise often comes as a verdict or comparison. We declare someone “brilliant” or “the best in the family,” and while well-intentioned, this kind of praise can become a trap. It creates a narrative that the individual must uphold, often leading to stress and a fear of failure.
Take the story of eight-year-old Farah from Hyderabad. She brought a drawing to her father, who, in an attempt to encourage her, declared, “Beautiful, you are a born artist.” Farah beamed with pride, but when her next drawing didn’t measure up to the “born artist” standard, she hid it away. The label had become a burden.
This phenomenon is not limited to children. As an angel investor, I see it in the startup ecosystem frequently. Founders who have been labeled as “the next big thing” often fear taking risks that might contradict that image. They become careful, just like Farah, and in doing so, they may miss the opportunities that come from learning through failure.
So, what’s the alternative? The late psychologist Haim Ginott suggested that we shift from evaluative praise to descriptive praise. Instead of labeling a person, describe the action. For Farah, this might mean saying, “You filled the whole page. The tree has a shadow. I can see you spent time on the birds.” This approach highlights the effort and process, something that can be repeated and improved upon, rather than a static identity that must be protected.
In the startup world, this translates to focusing on what the team did well. “You identified a real customer pain point and addressed it creatively in your demo,” is far more constructive than saying, “You’re the most innovative team I’ve seen.” The former gives them a clear understanding of what worked, empowering them to build on it without the pressure of living up to an inflated reputation.
Comparisons, especially within families, are another pitfall. Saying “You are the mature one” might seem like praise, but it’s actually a burden. It sets an expectation for behavior that can stifle a child’s natural development. Similarly, in a startup, comparing team members by calling one “the star developer” risks creating division and resentment. Instead, acknowledge specific contributions: “You set the table without being asked,” or “You solved that coding bug quickly and efficiently.”
Moreover, let’s be careful not to praise feelings into existence. Telling a child, “You are so brave, you are not scared,” denies their legitimate fears. Instead, acknowledge both the fear and the courage: “You walked on even though your hands were shaking.” This approach affirms their experience and builds genuine confidence.
In the context of my investments, I look for founders who aren’t trapped by their own narratives. The ones who impress me are those who can say, “We tried this, it didn’t work, and here’s why,” rather than those who stick to the script of unbroken success. It’s in these candid admissions that real growth happens.
Family dynamics also play a role in how praise is perceived. In Indian families, sharing a child’s mark sheet or dance performance without their consent turns them into content for social approval. Agency is crucial; children should have the right to say no to becoming the family’s trophy. This is a lesson for startups as well: decisions should be made with collective consent, not dictated by external validation.
As I sat with the young engineer, I realized our conversation mirrored so many I’ve had with my patients in the IVF clinic. Just as praise must be thoughtfully given, so must hope and reassurance. In both worlds, the stakes are high, and the psychological impact of our words is profound.
In conclusion, whether it’s in raising children, mentoring founders, or guiding patients, let our praise be a reflection of reality, not an idealized verdict. By describing actions rather than labeling identities, we allow individuals the freedom to grow, fail, and succeed on their own terms. After all, the real art of living is not in protecting a reputation but in embracing the journey with all its imperfections.
It’s time we rethink how we praise, ensuring it empowers rather than entraps. The next time you’re tempted to label someone as “the best,” pause and describe what they’ve done instead. It’s a small change with a significant impact, one that creates space for genuine growth and resilience.