Part 9 of 19 in Trust Yourself: A Guide for Indian Parents← Part 8Part 10 →
When I think about parenting today, I am reminded of a compound in Vasai where I witnessed a peculiar transformation. In one building, children would be ferried off in vans for classes, leaving an eerie silence in their wake. They returned hours later, their day already spent. Just next door, however, the compound was alive. It was the scene of unstructured play, marked by the kind of raw, chaotic joy that only children can muster. What struck me was a father who spent his off days just being present. Not as a coach or overseer, but simply as a body in the compound. This simple act of presence seemed to unlock something profound. His son, once criticized for not making friends, found camaraderie in that unsupervised chaos. His father’s presence wasn’t the solution to a problem; it was the reclamation of an experience.
The idea that resonates with me here is the distinction between being hands-on and being handed over. The modern landscape of parenting often leans towards the latter, where parents become clients of their own child’s day. The market is ripe with services that promise to outsource every facet of a child’s upbringing, from education to entertainment. It’s a seductive proposition, especially for busy parents striving to balance careers and family life. Yet, as I’ve observed, the real cost lies in the loss of contact, the erosion of a relationship that cannot be rented back to you by any expert.
A hands-on parent isn’t someone who manages every logistical detail but is someone who knows their child intimately. They can answer, without resorting to a phone call, what their child ate, feared, laughed at, and avoided today. It’s not about perfecting a parenting technique; it’s about maintaining contact. And this contact is something no app or service can substitute.
I’ve often found parallels between this and my work as an angel investor. In both parenting and investing, presence is paramount. In startups, I’ve seen founders who are present in every facet of their company, who know every detail not just because it’s in a spreadsheet, but because they’ve lived it. These are the founders who tend to succeed, not because they’re micromanaging, but because their presence is a testament to their commitment and understanding of the business. It’s akin to the father in Vasai who, by merely being present, facilitated his child’s growth.
This brings me to the concept of ‘taking back one daily hinge’. It’s a simple notion, yet profoundly powerful. Whether it’s a meal shared without distractions, a bedtime story told in person, or a weekend morning without an agenda, these are the moments that tether us back to the essence of parenting. The act of outsourcing these hinges outsources the data that defines our understanding of our children. It’s akin to paying an expert to interpret a report on your own company because you’ve outsourced the core activities that generate that report.
Take Salim from Bhiwandi, for instance. Running a small power-loom unit meant his interactions with his children were often limited to his wife’s summaries and school SMS updates. Accurate as they were, they were not a substitute for direct engagement. Salim decided to reclaim Saturday lunches, free from distractions and relatives. Initially awkward, these lunches gradually unearthed layers of his children’s lives that no SMS could capture. By the fourth Saturday, a casual mention of a teacher tearing notebooks prompted Salim to engage with the school, not as a disgruntled parent, but as an informed one. His hands-on approach, encapsulated in just four lunches, restored his capacity for judgment and action.
The lesson here is that being hands-on is not about the quantity of time, but the quality of presence. In my experience, whether it’s with patients, founders, or children, authenticity trumps perfection. The moments of contact we create are where relationships thrive, and these cannot be fabricated or delegated. It reminds me of why I value authenticity over perfection; it’s in these genuine interactions that true understanding and connection are built.
For many Indian families, employing help is a necessity, not a failing. Grandmothers or helpers often provide loving care throughout the day. The error lies not in employing help, but in failing to engage with the insights they offer. A question about what made your child laugh or what frightened them is not just small talk; it’s data that builds the narrative of your child’s life. When we overrule these narratives with methods pulled from a phone, we overlook the richness of firsthand experience.
Even those who travel for work can maintain contact through simple acts. A voice note from your child, sharing one thing from their day, is far more valuable than a list of instructions you might send them. Such interactions keep the sample of their life alive. It’s a reminder that experts cannot collect this intimate data for you from a distance.
In the end, the heart of being hands-on is not about the tasks completed but the relationships nurtured. The moments we reclaim amidst the chaos of life are what anchor us to the people who matter most. It’s less about what we do and more about who we are with them. This conviction isn’t just a hypothesis; it’s a lived reality I’ve observed time and again, both in my practice and in the startups I’ve had the privilege to support.
In investing, much like in parenting, the real value lies not in the metrics but in the moments of true engagement. And as I’ve seen, it’s these moments that often make all the difference.