Part 19 of 19 in Trust Yourself: A Guide for Indian Parents← Part 18
Dear Parent,
I saw a mother yesterday in my clinic, her eyes weary, her spirit heavy, carrying the invisible weight that so many parents bear. She wasn’t there for herself, of course, but for her child. In the brief moments between discussions about treatments and outcomes, I could see the fatigue in her every gesture. It was a scene I’ve witnessed countless times, yet it never fails to strike a chord in me—a reminder of the immense pressure parents face today.
I believe we’ve reached a point where parenting has been redesigned by those who don’t live with your child, who don’t navigate the messiness of daily life with them. The job description of being a parent has been overhauled by external forces—society, schools, the relentless comparison culture. The curriculum is packed, not just for the child but for you as well, as if love alone isn’t enough unless it’s optimized and measured.
Remember the simple wisdom from Dr. Spock that many of us grew up with? “You know more than you think you do.” It’s astonishing how much that sentence still matters, and yet, how easily it’s forgotten in the cacophony of expert advice and online opinions. You are the expert on your child. Not the teacher, the tutor, or the latest parenting influencer. You.
In my experience, both as a doctor and an investor, I’ve learned that expertise isn’t always about knowing more; it’s about understanding deeply. In startups, the founders who succeed aren’t those who know the most about every aspect of business but those who understand their product and their customers at a profound level. Similarly, as a parent, your task isn’t to know everything about children but to deeply understand your own child.
A founder I once backed told me that the key to their success was the ability to watch, try, and adjust. This iterative process is the same approach I advocate for parents. Be hands-on in the hours you have. Don’t become a client in your own house, outsourcing judgment to others. Watch your child. Try the obvious thing first. Adjust as needed. Leave a gap in the day for spontaneity and creativity, and defend it fiercely against the demands of relatives, schools, and even your own fears.
The reality is, your child doesn’t need you to be an expert on children. The world is full of those, and they often disagree by the end of the day. What your child needs is for you to be the leading expert on them and to act like it, quietly, on an ordinary night. This doesn’t mean you’ll always be right. And that’s okay. Wrong is allowed. Wrong followed by watching is how particular knowledge grows. Wrong followed by a new course is how families go broke in confidence.
I’ve seen too many parents lose sight of this in their quest for perfection. They hand over judgment to schools, to apps, to anyone who promises a more structured plan. But judgment is what daily contact is for. It’s in the moments when you’re simply present, without an agenda, that the greatest insights often reveal themselves.
I urge you to trust yourself. Trust the unique insights that only you possess because you live with your child every day. You know more than you think you do. And more importantly, you know more about your child than anyone else ever will.
When you need a doctor, come to us. When you need a teacher, use a teacher. When you need a grandparent’s hands, take them with thanks. But do not hand over the one thing that only you can provide—your judgment, your presence, your love.
As I often tell the parents I meet, agency is not indulgence. Giving your child the space to be themselves is not spoiling them; it’s trusting them to grow into their own person. Respect, not rank, is what builds a healthy relationship. Treat your child as a person you respect, not a project you are building to impress others.
In closing, let me say this: you are not alone in feeling tired and overwhelmed. But remember that in the midst of this fatigue, you possess a quiet strength. It’s the strength that comes from knowing your child deeply, from loving them fiercely, and from trusting your own judgment. And that is more than enough.
Warm regards,
Dr. Aniruddha Malpani
P.S. If you’re seeking more insights into parenting and your unique role in your child’s life, I recommend reading “Rethinking Childhood: An Indian Parent’s Guide” and “For Exhausted Parents: A Midnight Letter” on my blog. They might offer the perspective and reassurance you need.