Part 10 of 19 in How to Coach Your Child: A Handbook for Indian Parents← Part 9Part 11 →
I’ve been thinking a lot about siblings and cousins lately, especially in the context of comparison. It’s such a common practice in Indian families — a kind of unspoken tradition. I remember sitting in my clinic and overhearing a couple discussing their children. The father, in a well-meaning attempt to encourage his older son, Arnav, said, “Why can’t you be more like Kabir?” The words might have been intended as a nudge, but they landed more like a slap, creating a rift between the brothers that neither of them had asked for.
Comparison, in the guise of motivation, is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it can inspire children to aspire to greater heights, but more often than not, it breeds resentment and insecurity. The child being compared feels inadequate, while the one held up as the example becomes trapped in a role they never chose. This is something I’ve seen both in the clinic and in boardrooms. The parallels between parenting and leadership are uncanny; both require nurturing without suffocating, guiding without dictating.
In the example of Arnav and Kabir, we’re witnessing a classic case of unintended rivalry. Arnav, the older brother, is academically inclined but less enthusiastic about chores. Kabir, the younger one, is praised for his helpfulness but silently resents being the benchmark for his brother’s behavior. The parents thought they were motivating one and appreciating the other, yet they inadvertently built a contest neither boy agreed to enter.
The real irony is that in trying to instill values, these parents are actually undermining them. When you pit siblings against each other, you destabilize the foundation of family unity. I’ve seen this kind of dynamic unfold in startups, too. Founders often compare their ventures to those of their peers, leading to a toxic environment where collaboration gives way to competition. The lesson here is that a standard should belong to the household — or the company — not to the sibling or the startup next door.
Let’s consider cousins for a moment. They often serve as the extended benchmarks in family gatherings. “Did you see how nicely she danced?” a parent might say after a family function, handing their child a contest judged by relatives. It’s a dangerous game, one where the stakes are the child’s self-esteem and the prize is a fleeting moment of parental pride.
Wedding seasons are particularly ripe for such comparisons. A child who refuses to perform a song is quickly labeled as shy or less talented than the cousin from Dubai. This is where parents need to step in and say, “He will watch this one,” and then let it be. There’s no need to apologize for a child’s choice, just as there’s no need to apologize for a startup’s unique path to success.
In my experience, both as a doctor and an investor, I’ve learned that it’s the quiet, unassuming ones who often surprise you. Just like in medicine, where a patient’s resilience is often underestimated, in business, it’s the steady, consistent performers who eventually outshine the flashy, overhyped ones. It’s a lesson I’ve had to remind myself of time and again: patience and perseverance often yield the most rewarding outcomes.
Sibling fights are another area where parents often stumble. There’s a temptation to jump in, play the referee, and deliver a verdict. But a coach knows better. Instead of crowning a victim and a villain, separate them, set limits, and refuse to take on the role of magistrate unless someone is genuinely unsafe. This approach prevents labeling, which is something I’ve tried to emphasize in my practice as well.
In the world of startups, I’ve seen similar conflicts play out among co-founders. Disagreements can quickly escalate, and often, the mediator is tempted to take sides. But just like with siblings, the key is to focus on resolving the issue at hand rather than assigning blame. It’s about maintaining the balance and ensuring that everyone feels heard and valued.
As parents and leaders, we owe it to those in our care to create environments where they can thrive without the burden of unfair comparisons. The praised child is also trapped, often becoming the emotional crutch for the family — a role they never auditioned for but have been cast in nonetheless. This child eventually presents the bill, often as anxiety or resentment, a truth I’ve seen unfold in both personal and professional spheres.
The same goes for founders who are constantly told they’re the “next big thing.” The pressure to live up to that label can be overwhelming, stifling creativity and innovation. It’s crucial to acknowledge the burden we place on those we praise, whether they’re children or entrepreneurs.
So, what can we do differently? First, we need to be mindful of our words. Praise should be genuine and focused on the individual’s efforts, not in comparison to others. In my clinic, I make it a point to acknowledge each patient’s unique journey, just as I encourage founders to celebrate their individual milestones without constantly measuring themselves against their competitors.
Second, we must recognize that every individual has their own pace and path. Just because someone isn’t following the conventional route doesn’t mean they’re lost. In fact, some of the most successful startups I’ve backed were founded by individuals who dared to chart their own course, much like the students who excel when allowed to pursue their curiosity outside the rigid confines of the traditional education system.
Finally, we need to foster environments where collaboration is valued over competition. In families, this means reinforcing the idea that siblings are allies, not adversaries. In businesses, it means creating cultures where teamwork and mutual respect are prioritized over individual accolades.
In the end, it’s about recognizing the unique value in each person, whether they’re a sibling, a cousin, a patient, or a founder. In a world obsessed with comparison, let’s commit to celebrating individuality instead. After all, it’s the diversity of ideas, perspectives, and talents that truly drives progress, both in our families and in our ventures.