Now, this may sound paradoxical and negative, but the reality is that the best way to optimise and maximise your chance of success is to prepare for failure. Let me explain why.
I think it’s very important to have realistic expectations of IVF treatment, and while every patient wants their first cycle to be their last, no patient would ever start a treatment cycle if they didn’t believe in the heart of hearts that was going to work. However, the bitter truth is that most IVF cycles do not succeed, but if you’re prepared for failure, it becomes that much easier to cope with that and then bounce back, whereas if you aren’t prepared for failure, you just go to pieces and refuse to start another cycle or try again, which means in the long run you end up reducing your own chance of getting pregnant.
And this is why we tell patients that if you prepare for failure and the cycle does fail, you will not go to pieces; you’ll become resilient; you’ll be anti-fragile; you’ll bounce back; you’ll learn from the failure; and you’ll be able to change whatever needs to be changed to increase your chance of success in the next cycle. Often, nothing needs to be changed, but being mentally ready to deal with the uncertainty will make the journey a little bit easier, so you’re prepared to deal with some of these hurdles.
The only way to deal with some of these ups and downs is by being mentally and emotionally ready for whatever life chooses to throw at you. Thus, if you prepare for failure and succeed, that’s a bonus! It’s doubly sweet because, even though you were prepared for failure, you achieved success. And even if you do fail, it’s so much easier to take it in stride because you knew that there was a possibility of failure and didn’t get your hopes up too high.
This is why there’s really no downside to preparing for failure. And it’s not as if preparing for failure means you’re being negative or that it’ll reduce your chance of success because you’re thinking negative thoughts, because that’s completely false. After all, whether an IVF cycle works or doesn’t depends on the process of embryo implantation, which is a biological process that has nothing to do with your state of mind. On the other hand, if you prepare only for success, then that’s like living in LaLa Land, because if you do succeed, everything’s fine and life carries on. But in case you fail, because you weren’t prepared for the failure, you just go to pieces! You are completely distraught; you don’t know what to do next; you can’t trust yourself; and you refuse to trust the doctor. You feel the doctor cheated you and that he took you for a ride. You’re extremely angry, not only with yourself for failing but with the doctor as well, for giving you false hope—and even with God for not giving you the baby that you so deeply desire. And this is why there is no upside to preparing for success. Yes, of course, you should be optimistic, positive, and happy because it just makes the journey easier. But that doesn’t mean that you have unrealistic expectations. And that’s why being prepared for failure doesn’t mean that you’re being pessimistic. It just means that you’re being pragmatic and realistic and understand that it’s a journey that may take time, but you’re prepared for the best as well as the worst, so that it becomes easier to cope with whatever happens as it progresses. Because the reality is that the outcome of any cycle is always going to be unknown, but the process itself should be happy and positive, so that you have peace of mind, you did your best, and you never have any regrets afterwards that you left any stone unturned.
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